Everytime I post on my blog I tell myself that I will start doing it regularly. But I never have. Hopefully this time will be different.
Got a few things to let out of my system actually.
I know you, and I don't know why so many don't know you. I know whatever I do will never be enough for you and I know even if I tell you what I dream of doing you will definitely make me feel that they are too unrealistic for me and my capabilities. That's why I never share with you my dreams. I know you would have me substituted anyday. Okay, on a smaller scale, when was the last time you even paid me a compliment?
I have been having temper and anger issues for a long time now albeit it is more in control now than it was before. People don't understand that the reason why I sometimes get irritated or angry for the smallest thing is because there are bigger things going on and I use that small opportunity to let loose. Always the "evil stepsister" or the "tyrannical elder sister". Of course nobody would stop to think of how they treat me sometimes. And I have a theory for this. I look soo much like aputha (my grandma) maybe I inherited her character too. Getting angry for no reason, feeling self-pity which I'm not allowed or supposed to feel etc. When I grow up I will definitely be like her and cause trouble with everyone I meet. And then when I finally die alone, my own children will be thinking "good riddance".
I think I maybe know why she was such, and what made her behave that way. Am I in some ways going through what she was going through which made her what she was when she was older? Or am I my own person? Maybe it's a bit of both. And it's because of these connections I make that make me miss her more. Because maybe I could have spoken to her and comforted myself with the fact that at least someone understands. Because no one and I really mean no one not a single person does.
Having said all this, I'm not saying that my anger issues are excusable. Definitely not! And I am going to prolong and strengthen my efforts to become patient and godly because I know that that's good for me and everyone else and I know that God will be happy and will help me as well.
But, many if not all people think that my behaviour is completely irrational and frankly I can't help it if they think that getting angry for the smallest things and struggling to keep patience even for the shortest of times is normal in people and can be easily managed or controlled. I think it's an insensitive mindset because you haven't even paused to think about why a person is that way, when their behaviour is not typical. YOU are being irrational.
Anyway, whatever...I don't need your opinions even if you're close to me because at least one person understands and that's God. So even when I'm trying to change myself don't you dare go thinking that it's because I heeded your "advice" or anything. Yes I'm doing it for the good of others around me and myself but over and above all I'm listening to God and I want to make Him happy by doing what He wants me to do. I still love and respect you. But just to let you know, whatever efforts I have made to better myself have been with the help of God and no one else and also have been for Him.
I love the Beatles.
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Monday, September 27, 2010
so I'm like in a real reminiscing mood today. I was thinking about Physics lessons with Michelle, enjoying the warmth on the trellis, early morning walks with Wendy to school and most of all being crazy with the BOBOS. I also love how even when we went back after more than half a year, things had never changed. Wens and Sahz couldn't come unfortunately but I was sitting in between Poon and Sheryll because it was according to register number. And it was just like old days...Sheryll was still telling me not to fidget and I was still nudging Poonie to wake up haha! I really miss those days.
sigh. Math promos were today and I died. I can't stand it when I study and I still can't do anything. Went to study at WRL today after the paper with Charissa and we went crazy as usual haha! She is such a stress reliever. Had dinner at the food court and am back home now. Unfortunately, I have to go and study now for IH.
bye.
P.S. THANKS FOR FAITHFULLY READING MY BLOG NADIA BEGUM.
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Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Ok, I have realised that I reallly cannot mix or hang around with Indians, at all. And it's not that I think of myself as an atas Indian or anything, I'm really proud to be an indian! It's just that for most of my whole school life I have been the only Indian in my class. That means that most of my closest and bestest friends have been chinese. Also I'm comfortable with Chinese and the way they are more than I am with Indians. Being the only person in tamil class has not been much of a help either. They're just...different. I cannot adapt easily.
Take for example, last saturday when I went with my tamil class to the 75th anniversary of Tamil Murasu. First of all, all and I mean ALL of the girls were wearing make-up. That has never been a problem with my other race-d friends. So just about when I thought like as if I looked like I had just woken up next to them, there was the whole Indian slang thing. Now that is really something I am NOT comfortable with and I just didn't even want to speak at all for fear of people thinking that I was trying to be non-Indian and angmo-ish. When the real reason is I'm just not used to it!
I really hope it gets better, because I don't know what I'm gonna do when Vaanavil and the new influx of J1s come in.
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Sunday, August 29, 2010
the thing is, I really don't know anything anymore.
it's like...i don't know. I really miss you so much. And I wish you missed me back half as much.
but I guess, you don't really care. you're happy, making up for lost time.
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Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Have you ever had that feeling when you've really truly lost it all? And then when you're feeling so upset you find someone you could lean on. You're not necessarily whole or complete but at least you're hanging on at the tips of your fingertips. Then all of a sudden something happens and you realise that even that one person was not leaning back on you but was moving away instead. And then you've truly hit rock bottom.
I guess I'm one of those people in this world without anyone. And no matter what I do or say and no matter how much time I spend, I will always be left standing alone.
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