ok before I launch into my depressing mode, I shall update on how extremely fantastic the Kuantan trip was. I know I was not keen on even going at first but it was very fun. I made many new friends and it was just great to get my mind off a few things.
Then was Founder's Day which was great as well. I mean, my whole MG life, I had always admired the graduands, and on this day and I was finally able to be a part of them. The fabulous thing was, when I stepped in, it didn't feel like I had come there after a long time but it felt like as if I had never left...the place where I had spent some of the best years of my life - MGS. But Sarah and Wendy I missed you guys truckloads!! Nevermind, I get to see you guys on Saturday!!!
Sigh.
I know I have to be happy for you because I know how badly affected you were initially but I just can't help this feeling of being replaced. I guess I'll just move away...slowly.
It's like, I have such a great time at school everyday, but once I'm alone on the MRT on the journey home I start realising that no one outside of school is on my side. And I have to face the loneliness. The feeling of having no one.
And as for YOU, I cannot even begin to say how much I am frustrated and furious with you for your act of betrayal. How could you after EVERYTHING she has done for you, after all the times she has been with you choose that low life scum bag over her and tell him everything? She trusted you and believe it or not I trusted you! And you, you just threw it all away because you placed that idiot too high on your priority list. Don't you get how much of a hypocritical person he is??? Not to mention his idiotic double standards. He called you me and all of us "sick" people. We disgust him and you, you just go on thinking he is the best stand-in sibling anyone could have. Why is it that in your eyes, he has not done anything wrong?
And the thing is you can't blame me for cursing, swearing and complaining because when he left me, he had everything. Whereas I, I was left with nothing. My only pillar of strength was taken away from me.
Lord, I really need Your help right now to help me get over this anger and to forgive the people who have wronged me. I know that my behaviour has caused You to get really upset and I'd hate to make you even more sad.
You give and take away, but my heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be Your name.
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Thursday, July 8, 2010
Today was quite a bad day. It seems like all I get these days are bad days. However, spending time with 10A04 numbs the pain. I love them to bits. They are really wonderful. I love singing with Charissa, sharing with Mabel, making Nadia and Hannah go bonkers, and poking fun at the rest of them. I've never mentioned it to them, but being with them makes me the happiest (other than being with God of course).
So I've passed everything but Economics so far and I really hope I pass IH and Literature. Gosh it seems like everything I do these days is fail. I'm failing in my studies, failing at football...like today for example, we had a match with a few of the football guys, and I played at left-back. And, I dunno whether it's because nobody comes to the left or whether I truly suck to the core but I hardly, hardly got the ball. "Ras, Ras!" Shaheer said. "Ask for the ball, if not you'll never get it." Ok I get it, but what if I don't know what I'm supposed to do with the ball once I get it? Then what's the use of me calling for it? I'm just so bad at this that I feel like quitting. But I know, Dad won't be happy about the loss he made there. What with the boots and all.
AND THEN THERE'S YOU. I'll never be good enough for you and I'll never be your priority. I'm slowly coming to terms with that.
AND THEN THERE'S ANOTHER YOU. Keep him on a pedastal, justify all his wrongs and favour him more than you favour me and I'm sure you'll get hurt one day, mark my words.
And to tope it all off, Italy went out in the group stages. Yes, I'm still brooding over it.
God, it's been so difficult. You are the Mighty Comforter. Please calm my heart and my soul and continue to help me live according to Your will.
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